Make Your Relationship Fail
Fail to Learn - Learn to Love
My wife is the MOST AMAZING WOMAN I have ever met in my life. Our story is similar to so many others. We met, we fell in love, we got engaged, we had a son together and then it all began to fall apart. After 8 years of sharing our lives, things really took a turn for the worst. Even though we still loved each other very much, the trauma that stemmed from our difficult childhoods would play itself out in a way that was both hard to understand and impossible to navigate. While there were never any physical threats or harm our emotional trauma would culminate in 2024 when my wife would place a RESTRAINING ORDER against me for her own emotional safety. This was a BIG TIME FAIL for both of us.
Now this is where the story and our relationship could have ended like so many others do. Instead this experience would serve as a serious wake up call and a time for healing. During this time apart we were both able to begin healing our emotional wounds, began to learn how to love ourselves and ultimately learn how to love each other. After 4 of the CRAZIEST and most CHALLENGING months of our lives the restraining order came off. We now share a life of love and support like we never had before.
This experience has helped us become better lovers, better parents, better friends and better people overall. Although we still have our challenges, we are now able to navigate them with tools that serve us and our relationship well. The truth is, in the past I had FAILED -TO - LEARN from my mistakes but through this experience I was able to FAIL – TO - LEARN.
Integrated Attachment Theory
Integrated Attachment Theory (IAT), created by Thais Gibson, is a transformative approach that explores how early childhood experiences shape our attachment styles and influence our relationships as adults. IAT focuses on six key elements: Core Wounds, Needs, Emotions, Behaviors, Communication, and Boundaries. These elements work together to help individuals identify and heal past wounds, understand their emotional needs, and break free from patterns that hinder healthy relationships. By addressing each of these components, IAT provides a holistic framework that empowers individuals to regulate emotions, improve communication, set healthy boundaries, and ultimately create secure, fulfilling connections. This science based program guides individuals toward healing and self-discovery, offering a clear path to building stronger, more resilient relationships.
WOUNDS
Core wounds are the deep emotional injuries we carry from past experiences, often stemming from childhood. These wounds can influence how we perceive ourselves and interact with others, leading to patterns of self-sabotage or insecurity. Healing these wounds is essential to breaking free from destructive cycles and fostering healthier relationships.
NEEDS
Our emotional needs are the fundamental desires that drive how we connect with others, such as the need for love, validation, or safety. Identifying and understanding these needs allows us to communicate them more effectively, ensuring that we receive the support and connection we need in relationships. A relationship that isn't meeting ones needs will feel unfulfilling and ultimately lead to failure. A relationship that meets both partners true needs should be the goal of healthy partners.
EMOTIONS
Emotions are powerful forces that influence our behaviors and reactions in relationships. By becoming more aware of our emotional triggers and learning to regulate our feelings, we can better navigate conflicts, reduce stress, and build more stable connections with others. Learning how to emotionally regulate is a key component to building healthy relationships.
BOUNDARIES
Setting boundaries and respecting others boundaries is vital for maintaining healthy relationships. Boundaries define what is acceptable and protect our emotional well-being. By learning how to establish and maintain strong boundaries, we ensure that our relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and emotional safety.
COMMUNICATION
Communication is the foundation of all healthy relationships. It involves not only expressing our thoughts and feelings clearly but also listening with empathy and understanding. Improving communication skills helps to prevent misunderstandings, resolve conflicts, and foster deeper connections. Different attachment styles often have different ways of communicating. Learning these differences can be a real game changer in your relationships.
BEHAVIORS
Our behaviors are often a reflection of our underlying beliefs and emotions. Identifying and changing negative or unhealthy behaviors — such as avoidance, people-pleasing, or defensiveness — can help us develop more secure and positive interactions, leading to stronger, more balanced relationships.
The Subconscious Brain
The subconscious brain is a powerful force, making up to 95-97% of our decisions and actions. The conscious brain CAN NOT override the subconscious brain. The subconscious brain operates beneath our conscious awareness, drawing from past experiences, instincts, and deeply ingrained patterns. While the conscious brain can set intentions and goals, the subconscious often overrides them, pushing us toward familiar behaviors to meet its needs. The brain is a "needs-meeting machine," constantly working to fulfill physical, emotional, and psychological desires. This drive compels us to act in ways that ensure survival, comfort, and pleasure, even if those actions conflict with our conscious desires or intentions and even if they have negative consequences in the long run. Until we are able to reprogram the subconscious part of our brain we will continue to fail in our relationships and other areas of our lives.
The Four Attachment Styles
Knowing your attachment style and your partners can be a game changer!
SECURE
Someone with a secure attachment typically shows confidence in relationships, feeling comfortable with intimacy while also maintaining independence. They communicate openly, handle conflicts calmly, and trust both themselves and others. They tend to feel supported and offer support in return, creating healthy, balanced connections.
ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT
Someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment often feels insecure and fears abandonment in a relationship. They may become overly dependent on their partner for reassurance and validation, frequently seeking closeness while struggling with anxiety or jealousy. Their intense emotional responses can lead to frequent worries about the relationship’s stability
FEARFUL AVOIDANT
Someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style feels conflicted about relationships, desiring closeness but fearing vulnerability and rejection. They may push people away due to a deep fear of being hurt, yet still crave connection. This can lead to inconsistent behavior, withdrawing during moments of intimacy while also feeling anxious about being abandoned.
DISMISSIVE AVOIDANT
Someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style values independence and often downplays the importance of close relationships. They may seem emotionally distant or detached, avoiding vulnerability and intimacy. They tend to suppress their feelings and may appear self-sufficient, often minimizing their partner's emotional needs or concerns.
Take the Quiz and Learn What Your Attachment Style Is
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